my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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