You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
