I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
