MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
