Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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