My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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