At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
