Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
