I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
