I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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