I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
