My underwear smells like fireworks.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
