worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
