so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize