Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
