She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
