don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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