Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
