i wish my penis had a tongue
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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