There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
bring money and cleavage
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Are we still banned from the library?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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