Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
