a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
