I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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