i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
