I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
