Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
