Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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