Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
