I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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