New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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