So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
