He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
