awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
