I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I can't put those talents on a resume
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
