he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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