so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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