It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
