He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
