I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
