I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
