her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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