when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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