You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Vodka?
Forever.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
