I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
