Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
