What did we do last night that was yellow?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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