I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
