Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
