I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
