my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
