I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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