I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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