I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
