On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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