I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
