Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
