totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
