I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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