sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
