where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
