So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
