Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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