you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
