the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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