Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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