Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize