exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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