So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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