Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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