I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize