Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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